Expansion

Some say my husband and I didn’t date long enough, we say we simply knew it was right.

He was the only person that ever made me want to change my lifestyle, and I was the one who stretched him from his comfort zones. You know, we are coming up on a year of marriage, and every single morning he kisses me as he gets out of bed and tells me he loves me, even if I fake sleep sometimes and say I love you to as he walks out the door…and it is the last thin we say before we get into bed every night. If one of is not home, we know a phone call is coming…I can’t imagine not waking up to it because it starts my day with a smile, and I can’t imagine trying to fall asleep without it!

We had grand plans, not yet laid, of a tropical wedding where friends from around the world come. My husband is American and I am Canadian…half the people are flying a long ass way, so lets just make it a nice winter wedding right?

Uh-oh…I mean yay….err uh-oh,…err OMG…err WTF…er yay!

Dumb luck…like not even 2 months after we are engaged I am pregnant! Wait…let me check my math…more like a month lol. We hadn’t even had big talks about kids…and I really didn’t know how I felt about having a kid! I had just taken a new job at a pretty major record label in an executive capacity, and I really didn’t get kids…at all. A year before this I had been banned from babysitting from a friend (we are good now), because she called me at like noon on a Sunday when I was not even close to waking up from the party the night before. She was having a rough day…her baby wouldn’t stop crying, and me in my all mighty still wasted wisdom asked if she had tried shaking him. Yeah. Me…mom material?

So I shit some bricks, and I quit some habits immediately…hey…I’m being honest…I don’t condone that kind of stuff…but I did stop immediately and ran every check under the sun twice. When it levels out a bit, we are happy…ecstatic about this! We ramp the wedding up and have a small ceremony within a few weeks and the rushed to prep wedding turns out to be pretty awesome!

 

OMG…I have a family!

 

I quit my job at the label, something my dad is still rather upset about, and return to work for him. I do the same routine for a bit while we work out a new role…sorry…you can’t be the uber pregnant woman at a gig or prepping for it or doing PR…it just doesn’t work lol. So I take a job that puts me more in the office and then flying out to work with and seek out bands. I’d done this a bit, but now it is full time…hitting Nashville for a few days, the New York, anywhere you were catching vibes of something that might be a new sound emerging.

About 6 months in I have a massive fear…I am due December 27th! O M G…I do not want a Christmas baby!

I get huge. Am I having quadruplets? Seriously…in the end I put on pushing 33% weight! I eat healthy, I exercise, I even start aquatic aerobics.

I get depressed.

They had warned that based on evaluation I was a high risk for postpartum depression…even though I was still pregnant, I am sure this was associated. I have major mood swings a temper that is scary. I just spiral down and down. I see this ending my career goals, I had a really shitting experience growing up with an emotionally and physically abusive mother (another post some time perhaps), I quit all of these bad habits…I have become unhinged. So I explode in the office one day, and I am actually institutionalized by my husband and my father. I end up in there for 4 days and have to go to counselling a lot. Of course I am furious about this, but somehow, thank Christ, I see the light of day and that these people care for me and my baby. K, my SL friend, talks to me about it a bit, and really gives awesome personal insight. You know, I think that until now she is the only person I have told about this outside of immediate family! Part of my therapy is writing stuff down…doesn’t mean I have to share it, but the advise I am given is to write a letter to someone…evaluate the letter…then tuck it away, send it, burn it, whatever you want. The idea being that as you structure that letter and evaluate it opens your eyes and you see things a little different. If you are ever reading this and you take any single thing away from it…take that…write it down…write poetry…write a letter…you don’t need to share it with anyone if you don’t want to!

The good…this worked for me! With this and an amazing husband I get through it. I don’t have a plethora of friends, but my SL friends are there for me…they are awesome! Things get a lot better from there, and I start to get truly excited. We start talking baby names and doing a room and things are great. Eventually I get just too big to work, and I can’t fly any more anyways, so I work a little from home, and await my pray to god not Christmas miracle. I spend more time online with my SL friends who keep me upbeat and socializing while off…so happy I had that. Christmas comes, Christmas goes…fwew. Well, hopefully not a New Years baby…I’m going to be a little selfish here…I don’t want my New Years committed for life lol. New Years comes, New Years goes…god I am fucking HUGE! My husband has taken a couple weeks off around the season, we figure it is a good idea…spend the time together with family, and welcome our baby at the same time…nope…he goes back to work. So I am sitting on SL trying to convince a sister from the MC that I am not in labour, refusing to admit it, and scared out of my mind…I am vibrating…even late, I am SOO not ready!! She calms me down and gets my husband home…we have a healthy baby girl who’s name changes from our plans as soon as I hold her (ooo…we didn’t know if it was going to be a boy or girl…we didn’t want to). Doesn’t matter what her name was supposed to be, as soon as I held her I said “hello Piper.” All the concerns and fear go away…it doesn’t matter…Happiest day of my life!

New Starts

Stories have a beginning, end, and everything between…it is all a matter of how they are conveyed really. Well, my little story, I don’t know the end, and I really don’t want to talk about the beginning right now, so lets go somewhere in the middle shall we? I always tend to look back about 2 years ago and see it as my grand experience in large changes in my life, so I will start there…why…because I want to…this is my story I will tell it how I like…suck it up! 🙂

I look at my life a couple of years or so back and I don’t even recognize myself. I know everyone goes through that, and I find each of those stories amazing, so this is a little bit on mine. For me, I started working in the family business in the summers when I was young, but started working outside of the summer when I was in my mid-teens. Now, our family business is not a restaurant or a market or a typical office environment….it is nothing crazy, but is a little different. My dad runs a moderately successful business within the music industry. It is a little hard to label the company for it is not a management company, it is not a recording studio, it is not a PR agency, but we dabble in it all. We focus on upcoming artists and artists looking for resurgence in their career. We often see ourselves as a stepping stone, and are happy to be that…some even take us along for the full ride in some capacity, and that is always awesome. No, we are not all glam and glitz…we are the medium sized player who strives to work with impassioned people and get them to where they want to be. That said, I can remember being the speechless awestruck teenage girl that was getting coffee for people i was gaga over and almost drooling into the cup as I handed it of with mumbles and shaky hands.

But why is this really relevant to my story in the grand scheme of things you ask? Well, at the root of it all it’s not, but at the same time it made some of my problems easier to run ramped. When I turned 18 I started working small venues, helping bands get jobs and exposure, getting them some cheep advertisement by swinging by the right malls, maybe a live spot on a radio, and managing their social media (not my previously mentioned disdain for facebook), and by 19 I was travelling a lot! By 20, I was never home. I had a great house that I spent about 3-4 days a month in, friends I didn’t know any more and a drug problem that Ozzy himself would have shaken his head at. I caved into the lifestyle. Never being home, I found it impossible to maintain a relationship, friendship wise or intimately. I always told myself I didn’t want a relationship, but buried somewhere deep I knew I did, so like so many other girls I compensated by being a doormat to guys…for me so that they would stay interested in a girl that wasn’t around enough. While I maintained my professionalism and was damned good at my job, my personal life was a wreck. I never really realized it but my self-esteem was almost non existent and my self worth outside of work was nowhere. Not a slut…just easily taken advantage of.

Well, in time I accepted that I had to do something with my time on the road…going to clubs every night was just not healthy, so I started going online a little more because I could do that from my hotel room. That’s where I discovered Second Life. If you have never heard of it SL is basically chat on crack and is 3 D and interactive…it is a whole post in itself, and I am sure I will make one at some point. Now the problem I discovered when I actually started getting more into SL was that I brought the same damned issues with me, and if anything they were amplified. So sure, I wasn’t out as much, but my self-esteem got worse! But then I found a diamond in the rough, a girl I will call K. She took me in a little and she doesn’t mince words…says it like she sees it. Even though I was a lil trouble in her online world she still accepted me…maybe she saw I was unlike a lot of people in there…open and honest, maybe she felt sorry for me, maybe it is because the more we got to know each other the more she saw how much we had in common. Anyways, K was in a SL Motorcycle Club, a group filled mostly with strong women who had some hoots together and (for the most part) had each others backs. In time, they took me in, a pretty big event for me!

For me, the MC was truly life changing. A lot of people have got rather fucked up and twisted from SL (hey…I’ve had my moments as well), but some also grow…fortunately I got more growth than twist. Being around these strong women was inspiring…I found my confidence growing and I was able to see my self worth. Ironically, when I was getting to know these girls they played a part in a massive part of my life…meeting my future husband! Lol…rather interesting story actually…how we met. I had had the realization that having a house was stupid. The little I was home I needed to tend to it, so as much as I loved the house I sold it and moved into a pretty high end waterfront condo…actually into one of their higher end ones…gorgeous place…I’ll post some pictures some day maybe. Anyways, as I am moving, in open shoes (yeah…stupid…I know) I split my foot open…stupid blonde! So I find a clinic close to my place and get it fixed up. A couple days later, I wake up for the first time in my new condo…foot sore, pissed off that I can’t find my coffee, rather lazy. So I am in SL chatting with a few of the girls and they say I should go see if a neighbour has a cup for me…a good way to meet people…but I am of course to lazy, sore and a lil timid about doing it. Well, fine…they eventually twist my arm…and who is it….mhmm…my doc that patched me up…now my husband! That MC and those girls gave me the confidence to step outside of my comfort zone, and as time went on the self worth they build up in combination with that…well, it made me actually put effort into maintaining a relationship and hold onto a wonderful man!

He is an amazing man who saves me from myself and helps me be me at the same time…who loves me through the worst and keeps me level on the highs…who makes me the lukiest girl on earth…

 

I thank those girls, I owe them my world!

OPGR

Why am I here? Not a grand philosophical question

So why am I here, and why am i writing? That is a pretty good question, and I am not sure I have a sufficient answer, but I do have another question; Does one need a good reason? We all have a have unique stories and experiences, and I don’t for a second think mine are more so than others but I suppose posting here comes with its reasons…first and foremost, a good friend I met online has posted, and I found it rather inspiring and inspirational. Then there is my abnormally elevated disdain for facebook, which eliminates that option. And the big one…I am going though a lot of major life events in a very short time period, and via some counselling the idea of putting thoughts to paper has been suggested, and the little I have done has actually been fairly therapeutic. A big hope is that somewhere, someone will relate to some of my experiences, and perhaps it will give them some ideas, and let them know they are not alone! So that, in a nutshell, is why I am posting…