2nd Session

So I had my 2nd Chemo treatment today…more of the same, except I was super tired after. That said, once I was up from the storm last night I didn’t bother trying to go back to bed, so I was up like 4 hours early. The one thing I will say is that my body isn’t as tingly this time…well, actually it is, but I am more itchy and really warm. I have some good creams, but the best thing is cold bath with some ice in it..makes me feel much better, even if I can only dip into it shortly.

On a side not I am getting really sick of my dietary requirements. I need to be careful to stick to a bland diet…steamed/broiled poultry, rice, no raw veggies, no fruit at all :(, NO COFFEE (censored), though I have been turned onto a good variety of teas from a friend from group. She actually brought me in a sample box…apparently she is a tea lover because she had probably 40 different kinds in there! Super nice of her to do…I have set aside the wrappers of 2 I like so far, so that is a huge perk! I can’t say as I have ever purchased tea before, so I guess I have an excuse to go shopping…you know…a tea kettle, a couple shirts, maybe some nor shorts with the weather being so nice, oh, and some sandals or something to go with that I guess…hmm…maybe I do like tea!

OOO…that storm! 22 minutes, 1.5” of rain, and we are supposed to get it worse tonight! Yikes! The pictures of the flooding are unreal…it all went away pretty fast, but the city just isn’t designed to take a downpour like that…how many are I suppose right!


Weather go BOOM!

OMG…this is the craziest storm I have seen in a while! I like storms, apparently my daughter does not! It is now after midnight and I am just chatting with some friends…I swear to god that the house is shaking. Do you love storms? Is it kinda weird to like them? Is loving storms a fetish? Probably not, but I like storms…well…I like lightening anyways.

Unusual Side Effect?

Okay…this one is embarrassing, but I am still going to share. I searched the web, I talked in group, I talked to friends, and finally talked to my doctor about it…I have heard of nobody having this reaction….it is driving me fucking nuts…horny! Constantly aroused, and I think I broke my husband! So weird…it is like my nerves are constantly tingling, and yeah…even down there! It is the most awkward thing ever! Basically my doc said ‘of all the potential side-effects, be happy with this one.’ I know he is right, but seriously…it is soooooo frustrating!!!

It does go to show you though…no matter what your side-effects, they vary to all extremes!


1st Session

2 posts, one day…crazy right? Yeah…I guess technically it is tomorrow…hmm…but it is early…I thought about making them one post, but I wanted to nap. I love napping. I am really good at napping!

So beyond the emotions of 2 days of reading and processing I also had my first chemo session yesterday. It wasn’t too bad. The worst part was the ice and the cooling packs. If you or someone you know is going through chemotherapy tell them to talk to some support groups about this as well as their doctors. I know there is some level of controversy around cooling caps, but there has been a vast amount of research on them in the past decade, and they get lot more support. When I talked to my doctor, he supported their use. He explained that a lot of the controversy was that chemotherapy heats you up, and this loosens the pores, and this is a contributing factor to hair loss. The concern with cooling caps is that you lose a lot of the energy from your scalp and there are concerns that by cooling you expose yourself to trapping some of the toxins and creating isolated concentrations in your brain. Scary thought right? But he said that they research around my treatment indicates no correlation..that there is always a risk but he was very confident it was ok. So the basic premise is that you ice areas of your body down prior to your session and some actually during, and then after. This keeps the pores tighter and can minimize losses, and even on rare occasion eliminate it. For me, I did the cool cap and iced my hands in effort to save some hair and I really really hope my nails. Now even without this, the effects generally are not pronounced right away, so only time will tell. It was a weighted decision, but based on the feedback I received I decided to do it. Every person’s treatment is different, and ever person responds differently with or without precautions. This is something that they will talk to you about, and something I recommend going to group sessions to prepare yourself for. I’ve met people who blistered or got mouth sores, I’ve met people who lost every stitch of hair, I’ve met people who had minimal effects…the key is this…be prepared to set vanity aside…you are a beautiful person and this stuff will return…and most importantly…your life is worth more than any of these things! Besides…wearing wigs can be fun! I do it sometimes and I have hair!

The IV was hard to describe…it was cold and warm at the same time. I would get a cold presence followed by warm tingles. Like I had a cold crust that had warmth trying to break through, if that makes sense. The cooling periods took most of my time up…it felt like an eternity, but realistically my IV was inside of an hour. I could have driven myself home, but of course you don’t know where you will be emotionally, and my husband took me. I felt fine after other than a little tired…thus far, this isn’t so bad, but I know I am just starting.

For me, the hardest thing is not breastfeeding. My doctor told me that a contributing factor to my issues as a child could very well have been that I was not breastfed, and that while nobody knew for sure, most doctors agree that breastfeeding as long as you can is good for your child. There was some specific compounds mentioned as that which is felt to minimize the risk of childhood Leukaemia, perhaps I will look that up later and post something…my husband will remember the terminology.

Anyways, I am scheduled to do this Mondays and Thursdays, and am ready to kick this thing in the ass some more!

43 Responses

I was shocked…everyone I wrote to wrote a response…not a single one was “bad.” Some where tense, some where great. Friends that I spoke my mind to, that apologized with regret on how certain things went and also said their piece…we talked back and forth, and if nothing else, so of the relationships have a healthy closure. Others seemed to touch people’s soul a little, and their responses touched mine as well. The big one…my mom’s….I was floored!

A good flooring? I dunno

A bad flooring? I don’t think so

An emotional flooring…words can not describe.

I wish I could copy and paste my letter and hers in here…but I can’t do that. I have no intention of ever really sharing those…they are between 2 people. I did share mine to her and her’s to me with my husband and a friend though…I just had to.

Not the reaction I expected!

At first I thought she was blowing sunshine up my ass…saying the right things, because I know she wants back into my life. But then I got half way through and read her stern rebuttal on a few things, and I had to stop and start all over. It took me 4 hours to read it…I just started crying and crying…good tears…not happy…not sad…good tears.

We have agreed to start talking via writing messages, because it gives us a chance to process stuff, and then go from there.

I can’t believe we are talking…2/3 of my life we have not! I hold no expectations, and there even if stuff goes well there will always be a guard, especially with her around my daughter, but who knows…this is good…it either opens a door or provides real closure to something that has crushed my soul as long as I can remember!


My god! I wrote 43 letters!

It took a lot of time and effort…and it was worth every bit!

I have never had this kind of clarity in my life! My mind has spewed out so much! Mostly love, but there were some fuck yous in there to. Ironically, 2 of the letters that were the hardest were to my Second Life friend, K, that I have mentioned before and my mom. Some of the easiest were to one of my brothers and my dad…though my dad’s was crazy long. It was weird, because the 2 hardest were hardest for different reasons.

K’s was hard because some of our similarities scare the shit out of me. We’ve stumbled into a lot of things that we have in common, and the timing of a few things in our life has been just plain freaky. She is also someone who seemed to see past a lot of my surface and help drag the real me out…I am forever grateful, but it was hard because there were some sensitive things in that letter that it is not my place to discuss here.

My mom’s on the other hand…well, I will open up about that a bit. See, growing up me mom was never home unless my dad was…she was always out partying on his dime. When she was home she was abusive to me…my older brothers had to pull her off of me on occasion. But getting yanked around by your hair is painful, but the emotion abuse was what always hurt. I talk to my brothers, and to this day they still say it was weird because it was always focused on me, not so much on them. When I got sick with Leukaemia my mom left us. That was 15 years ago. When I got married I didn’t want her there, but my husband pushed for it…I didn’t really include her in it, and we never really talked, but I suppose it was the right thing to do…be the bigger person and not potentially regret that. Sometimes it is aggravating having a spouse who seems to always be right!

Others were easy and seemed to flow seamlessly. No letter survived its draft, but they are done. Wow…what a therapeutic process! Now I have no idea if people will respond to these…I imagine most will. Some of them are going to hurt people a bit, and that is not the intent, but I need to be open and speak my mind, or what’s the point right? Honestly, if I didn’t send these, I would probably be fine, but imma do it, I am going to send all fricken 43 of these suckers out!

Yucky Cup!

2 Girls, 1 Cup

Don’t ever do it!


Well, maybe do…maybe that is you’re thing and you will like it…for me…very disturbing, but somehow funny…but mostly disturbing!


I had a friend convince me to watch it earlier.  I couldn’t to it, so she teased me enough that i gave it another crack…nope…tease away, I can’t do it.


#disturbing #eww


I shouldn’t even be posting this lol