Mad Panic

Shit got real yesterday. And that scared the fuck out of me.

Every now and then I get slapped with a reminder of how serious all of my situation is. Not that I don’t ever not take is seriously or anything…but the odd punch to the face is maybe good I guess. It was a real eye opener to how unprepared I am for a major event.

Ok…so I have had some mild panic attacks lately…where I kinda just hyperventilate for a bit, but yesterday it just kept going. I couldn’t catch my breath…I was losing it and I knew it. I started phoning and texting and skyping and nobody would answer…I was freaking the fuck out and nobody answering was making it worse. Fortunately my dad finally called back and said get off the phone and call 911.

I knew I should be calling 911…I really did…but my daughter…what was I supposed to do…I couldn’t call 911 and leave her alone! It goes to show how one’s mind can work in a time of panic. I am a relatively intelligent person…but my ability to make sound decisions left me…If you stay at home and have a small child…whether you have ailments or not…PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE think things through…what will you do in a time of panic! Thinking about this in advance might save YOUR life. I wasn’t concerned about me…I was concerned about her being left alone! We all know damned well that in a civilized nation that they are not going to let that happen.

By the time the ambulance showed up I was having seizures and was basically unresponsive. But they found my daughter and had someone stay with her. I went to the hospital and was given some shots then told it was hypertension. I know have some pills to help out with that, so it should all be good. It started with a bloody nose…that made me panic and it just escalated from there to the point that I lost control of myself.

So now we ponder options…a nurse…perhaps a family member coming out for a bit to help…I shouldn’t really be alone for a while. I am truly blessed that we have family and friends as an option but also have the finances to make a nurse or assistant an option. I know that the family / friend option seems like a no brainer, but I am not sure…I mean I am the type of person that will feel I need to be up and to some level entertaining them. I know that is not the case, but it is the way I am built…whatever…we have a few days to decide as my husband is off…but wow…what an eye opener!

I’ve started making a list of who to contact and how for my husband. I will share some of that info with others to help him. It is a method of distributing information so that everyone is contacted, and that that burden is not on one person alone. It is not an easy process to go through, kinda feels the same as writing a will…you don’t want to, but you need to. I am hoping this list never needs initiated, but I need the peace of mind that it is there and that the people I care about can be contacted.

Please please please…give someone that list!

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Bad BF??

I’m concerned about a friend. I get really emotional when I see a friend torn with hard decisions. Sometimes I feel like I say too much…I want to give them good advice…but sometimes all they need is an ear. K, a friend I met online I mentioned before, is going through a tough time with her man. I can tell she loves him deeply, and it sounds like he is head over heals for her…but I think they are both rally alphas in the room, and like so many men he doesn’t know how to communicate when things are tough. He is a big guy and has a temper with a short fuse, and almost seems to go somewhere else when it blows. Of course I’ve had to pry and it doesn’t sound like he has ever physically hurt anyone when he goes off, but it still scares the shit out of me. They had an event where they had some guests and they both said and did some things that I am sure they both regret. Not sure what is going to happen with them…they seem really good together, but there are some over the top moments that jeopardize that. It is actions from those we love that can hurt the most, and the more we love them the more that is true. It just really pisses me off…she is going though so much right now and has been rather sick and is in the process of fighting back from that…she just doesn’t need it. The world disappoints me.

Kickass Reaction

Well…some rather good news recently! Really needed some as my sessions have been starting to rather beat the crap outta me.

So my general understanding of the way my Chemotherapy treatment is pegged to go is several weeks of a couple sessions per week, and that this is sort of prepping me and my cells for the next Chemo. The first chem, the one I am on now, can combat the bad cells but is more there to make the cells more receptive the next chemical, which treatments are basically daily. That second part of the Chemo is the sessions that really goes after the cells and makes them get fought off. After that I likely take pills to kill of remnants and help minimize th risk of it all coming back. Now they could basically put my on the second treatment any time after I had done my first couple of sessions, but it is a lot harder on the system and body, so they do whatever they can to minimize exposure to it. AKA…it be nasty.

That is my generalized understanding of it all anyways.

So here-in comes the good news…my tests are coming back with pretty encouraging results. We knew there was potential for this, but it was not a super high likelihood. What this means is that the second Chemotherapy session length can probably be reduced. They keeping me on the first Chem’s session longer can reduce how long I am on the second. It increases the total length of treatment, but I get less of the really nasty one.

I know this all sounds rather scary and all, but this is a major win, and it is something that we are encouraged by. I didn’t entirely know how to react when I was told the news…I have grown somewhat numb and unwilling to really react to any news on my condition until I process it…but they gave me some pills to help settle my guts and said go celebrate…they said this was a reason to celebrate, and that brought instant tears to my eyes….for the docs to do that…I am really happy…we went out and had a nice supper and I even had a couple glasses of wine…white granted…I dare not do red

Even in the darkest of valleys the sun breaks through, and today…today I feel great!

Time Together

Ok…so a couple days ago was me and my husbands one year anniversary! Huge day for us, obviously. I wish I could tell of some over the top romantic thing we did to celebrate ourselves together, but we basically stayed in and played cards…I am simply not up to doing myself up for a night out when I am a bit mopey and well…you get what I am saying. So instead I thought I would share some over the top romantic thing we did in the passed…ya’all aren’t getting away that easy 😀

So earlier this year we had our beautiful baby join us, and make us a real family. 6 weeks later was our first Valentine’s day as a married couple. At 6 weeks…yeah…I’m just not keen on leaving her yet…I’m not ready and in all honestly, he is not ready to leave her either. So I figure we will have a nice little night at home in the condo (we had not moved yet). Of course he had to go out and totally surprise me!!

My hubby talked to the property people and rented a vacant condo a couple floors down for the day, and my dad came over to babysit. We went downstairs and he’d made a nice dinner and we just laid in front of the fire and had a little wine and listened to music, enjoying some us time. No, don’t worry, I didn’t drink much, and the night was amazing!! I truly am the luckiest girl on earth! I have an amazing man who saves me from myself and helps me be me at the same time.

Weather and Tackling your Climate

So we finally got a chance to go to the waterfront…beautiful! We are still new to the city, and this was our first real chance to do that with the weather, and it was a cooker on Saturday…well, for this time of year in this region…34 or 35C!! The area is amazing, with little plays and going on in the park, and stunning trails along the river, all overlooking a river with boating of all kinds, and the really cool part…it is grass beachfront! All of it! Now I was a bit nervous because I know the heat is not super good for me, but we were pretty smart…find some shade…stay hydrated, then walk a bit and go into an air-conditioned gallery, then walk some more, find a place for water in the shade, watch a play…really fun day! Sunday I may have overdone myself though. Saturday went perhaps too well, and I of course pushed my limits. My husband tried slowing me down a bit, but when do we ever listen to them right? But when I got home, I did not feel good at all. I crashed or a bit and woke up rather nauseous. Everything was a bit spinny, and I was quezzy…just not good all around. I felt a fair bit better in the morning and had my chemo, but yeah, I knew I messed up…lesson learned. When I got home my body was on fire….I went from ice baths to shivering in a blanket to ice bath again…totally feeling like my body had lost the ability to regulate its temperature at all. Not a fun day! And to make it worse…my armpits were on fire…like painful painful fire! Looking, I was suffering heat rash…my first in your face reaction to the treatments…not helped by my too much fun in the sun weekend. I couldn’t hold my daughter, I could barely move my arms…it just hurt too damned much. It also started coming out on my inside of the elbow (whatever you call that), so now it double hurt. I hate complaining…I really do. I always feel like people will think I am drawing on sympathy. I never want my bad stuff to be a focal point. I know it comes out when I talk to people, that is natural I guess, but I do hate feeling like I am making people talk about it. But some of my SL friends really helped! One of them stepped up and something along the line of hey…lean on people now, because they will lean on you in the future and we know you will take that on in a heartbeat…that now it was the time to ride the coattails of others when I can so that I can be strong when it counts, and that I should never feel bad about whining because they understood it was a tough time and that is what friends are for. It was the right words at the right time…got me all teary, and reinvigorated me! In another development my husband has been getting mad at me and yelling to eat more. The food is just so blah, and I am not that hungry to begin with. But he knows how to say the right things to me…he told me to stop being selfish and that I needed to start eating or they would be visiting me in the hospital getting the nutrients from a tube. He then hugged me and said he knew it was hard, but I simply had to finish what was on my plate. I think that what he did next is what will really help…he threw out his supper and made the same thing I was eating…he said he is going on the same diet here on out (well, he is still doing coffee). Perhaps I am super emotional, but he seems to touch my soul on some level every day…I started tearing up, yes…happy ones, just like I am now…ok…yeah I am talking about someone eating some chicken and rice…lol…definitely emotional! Haha. None the less…these little things he does…these are what make me feel like the LGOE! I have REALLY been missing exercise! I noticed how much it effected me towards the end of my pregnancy when I wasn’t moving too much, so I have decided I need to to something. Now the way my body is heating up and getting heat rashes and such, a deep cardio is out. With the chemicals my cells are fucked right up…I bruised my foot with the pressure from the garden hose ffs…so imma avoid impact training! But wait…it is nice and cool here in the morning, and there is always a fresh due and awesome smells…wow…so starting tomorrow, I am getting up early and taking my daughter for a nice walk! It is going to be awesome!