A Houseful

Well, it was a pretty busy holiday season, as I am sure most people can relate, tis the season and all. Having just gotten out of the hospital and not being sure if I actually would in time for Christmas, we were a little lost as to what to do. Do we stay down in the US and enjoy the warmth and his family? Do we fly to my dad’s? Do we simply go home? After a little pondering we decided that we just wanted to be together…our first Christmas together with just my husband, myself and our almost year old baby.

It is hard to believe she is almost a year old! It has been such a wretchedly chaotic year, and in basically a week she has her first birthday! It just amazes me how you blink your eyes and so much time passes by.

At any rate, we started talking to my dad, and ended up inviting them out. They were hesitant about coming but we poked at them long enough that they came. I was really happy that he agreed…yes…I admit that I am a bit of a daddy’s girl. What can I say, growing up he was my dad, my mom, and when I was sick as a kid he was my best friend for a few years, then we worked together…we are extremely close, and for me, in such a turbulent year having that foundation around at Christmas would just feel good.

Next my best friend, who has helped so damned much the past year I can’t imagine her not being here. Really she should have been the first one invited. And then it was my husband’s parents, and then brothers, and so on and so on. 17 guests lol. My dad and his significant other, my mom and hers, my husband’s parents, his brother and his other half, my best friend and her squeeze, both my brothers and their wives + 3 kids between them.

Wow.

Now one of my conditions was that it is my house, my Christmas, I am the host, though admitted I would need some help…I simply couldn’t be on my feet long enough to do everything…and everyone agreed. So, for the first time in my life I became nervous about prepping a meal. I am sure most have been there, but lets put it this way…I stalked up on burgers just in case. It wasn’t that I seriously felt that I would ruin Christmas dinner, it was more nerves, and I knew I had a couple of pretty great cooks around to provide some guidance. I mean, I wanted to be pretty independent with it all, but I can also count the number of times that I have used an oven on one hand…chicken wings a couple times, fries once…and really I think that is it. A cook I am not.

Well, there were some tensions, too many cooks in the kitchen at times, but I think people knew I couldn’t handle the stress…they could see I was a bit of an emotional bubble about to burst, so people were actually pretty good, and at the end of the day I am pleased to say that things turned out amazing. Couldn’t have really asked for much better…a darned near perfect bird and stuffing, veggies were fresh and crisp, there was good conversation and spirits carried into the wee hours…even if I did have to sneak off and nap a couple of times.

I am pretty damned proud of myself, and extremely grateful for the most amazing friends and family. I can’t believe that everyone just up and dropped their holiday plans and flew in from thousands of miles away at essentially the last minute. While it started to become pretty stressful at times, it turned out amazing. The season is, for me, about friends and family, so while a cozy night with the 3 of us would have been terrific, this was the way it was supposed to be!

Sunshine and lollipops
~T~

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F*** Leukemia

Yeah…Fuck it!

Been pondering the ribbon as a tattoo, and have seen some awesome concepts online.

I kinda like this one, though I am not really overly religious so:

I am thinking of maybe a fairly standard Leukemia ribbon and than some script with it.  Something a friend said might be kind of neat is to get the ribbon and have “SURVIVOR” on it on one side, and get it touched up with the same thing on the other side when I beat it again. Beyond that I am thinking of circling it with FAMILY FRIENDS … MY STRENGTH, MY COURAGE

Would really love to hear some ideas from people out there as I am still pondering it all, and not 100% sure it is what I will get.

 

Relearning Life

Being in the hospital for so long and now being home I have realized I have a lot to relearn, and well, a lot to learn. My daughter is coming up on her first birthday, and I was learning maybe as much as her every day when she was born. I have historically never had a pile of exposure to babies. Yeah, I have been around them here and there, but not for extended periods.

Now don’t get me wrong for one second…I am ecstatic to be home and welcome the challenges, but it is hard…the best and most important things generally are. I do have a challenge that I haven’t really talked to anyone about, though I think my husband has figured it out already; that challenge is people that have been around my daughter more than I have. They know subtleties that I don’t and they try telling me about them. Now, I appreciate the help, but don’t receive it well. I think a big part of that is the pain that I don’t know a lot of these things…that a lot of firsts were taken away from me. I am pissed off that people know a lot of things about her that I don’t. I also combine it with the fact that I fear I am learning at a slower pace than before the coma. I have expressed that concern to my husband and he insists that I am fine and that if anything it is lack of mental stimulus for an extended period. Maybe he is right, I don’t know, but I do feel that I take things in a little slower than in the past. I see it in lots of things…from grasping a joke, to understanding something in the news that I would have grasped immediately in the past. It scares me a little…a lot really. I mean I don’t think, or I hope, that I will not decay mentally, but there is obvious fear of what damage my condition truly did to me.

I have found myself trying to pick things up where they were 6 months ago, but the simple fact is my world moved on and progressed without me. I am trying to come to terms with that…to accept that I have missed a lot and that I can not rehash or experience those moments. I know that I have to learn about things that have happened and look forward to those that are yet to come…doing that is harder though.

We climb a lot of hills in life, but I know that my husband will refuse to let me do that alone, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Beautiful Crying

A year ago if you had told me that I would have hushed my husband back to sleep ago because our baby was having a big hissy fit in the middle of the night I probably would have laughed at you. I did, however, just do just that…and damn did it feel good!

After being away from them for a couple of month straight, and really over half of her life, it felt good to tell him to go back to sleep then go pick her up and hold her…just like I know I shouldn’t in that situation. I know that I should let her cry it out, or make some peaceful noises to put her back to sleep, but I didn’t and it felt amazing. I just picked her up and sat there until she fell asleep in my arms as I rocked her. And you know what I did after that? I just sat that and held her more.

Hold the ones you love tightly

It is a challenge to walk all the way to her room (takes me several minutes still…I’m getting better)
It is really hard to pick her up
It is good to me home…words can not describe it.

Recharging Smiles

It is amazing how fast an emotional switch can be flipped isn’t it?

Yesterday I felt empty and at an all time low, and today I feel fricken amazing.

I had been trying to explain how I felt, and trying even harder to figure out why. My husband, the most amazing man on earth and he who make me the Luckiest Girl On Earth, saw it. He knew it. Even though he is thousands of miles away at home while I get this medical care…he fixed it when nobody else could!

But how can one fix something just like that? Well, I guess it is pretty easy when you are him! We were talking about a few things, and he steered the conversation into talking about the house. From seemingly nowhere he says ‘Good news, I found a nice 900 foot slab house and bought it and have accepted an offer on ours, so when you get home you won’t have to worry about a big house and stairs!’ Now ours is a few thousand square feet and on an awesome acreage edging town, so I lose my shit…like I snap…my mind blows. He finally stops me and says ‘You know I didn’t actually do that right, but did that feel good snapping?’ All I could do was pause, say yes, and start balling my eyes out. My emotions just poured out. He amazes me. He knew what I needed and he eagerly took the beating to get there! I just can’t imagine not having him…and he I…he amazes me more every day!!! He has been my rock, my crutch and kept my soul in tact the past year or so. Completing me and forcing me to be the true me at the same time.

And now…well…now I pack. It is time to return home. I was really believing I wouldn’t be home for Christmas, and even if I am not a huge Christmas person, that was still hard to deal with, and I think what was the fine straw that was playing havoc on me. My husband contacted my doctor to see where I was at, and ask if I was ready to come home…something I couldn’t do. I am not sure why I couldn’t ask. I tell myself it was because I didn’t want to push for it and have them send me on my way too soon, but in my heart, now, I know it was more because I couldn’t handle being told I wasn’t ready. That would have crushed me. I am however going home, and that is what matters!

Giving Up

Do you ever just wan’t to give up no matter how deep you dig?

You know when I started chemotherapy for the second time in my life it obviously scared the fuck out of me, but I was more than optimistic and eager to be that girl who could say she beat it twice.

When I awoke to find out I had meningitis I was pretty numb to it. I eventually went through the emotions…some self pity and anger, to hope and desire to push myself.

When I found out stopping chemo because of my situation would likely mean needing much more intensive treatment I gave up…I didn’t want to go through it…I had accepted my mortality. Some good friends and family pushed me through that and I eventually came around.

Now, I can’t believe I am saying this but my GAF seems to simply be gone. Things are going pretty well, but I can’t seem to motivate myself. I’m depressed, yet I don’t cry. I am sad, but really have no idea why that is. I have a go to list that I think about when I am down which always brings me around…it is having no effect. I received some lovely flowers the other day, and I think that might have spiraled me…I don’t know. It’s like it makes me think of the family and friends I am not around, especially my husband and daughter. It makes dwell on my situation. Well…I finally chucked them out today, so we shall see what tomorrow brings I guess.

I’ve never felt even remotely like this before. I hate it. It is NOT me, but I don’t know how to lift myself from it. I want to scream for help from the mountain tops, but how does one whom is pretty self-aware do that when they don’t know what is wrong?

Pouty face

Sometimes it is all really hard.  I am a pretty upbeat person.  You will be hard pressed to find me without a smile.  I mean even with everything I have struggled with of late I still dawn a big smile almost all the time.  It is not a fake smile, it is not me putting on a face, I am a genuinely happy person.  I often am the peace maker, and the one who makes people giggle with my general sillyness, and I love being that person.  I am happy because no matter how bad things get at times I know how much worse it is for others, and I see everything I am grateful for, and I can’t help but smile.  This brings me to today though…I don’t know what it is, I simply have not been able to smile.  I miss my family, sure, but I have been missing them a lot…it can’t just be that.  Health wise I feel pretty good all things considered.  I just made my personal goal of hopping and landing it by Christmas, so I am straight up pumped about my progress.

Generally when I am down I do a good job of putting my finger on it and working around it.  Either solving the issue or refocusing my energy in a positive manner.  Today…today I just don’t know.  Maybe it’s the Christmas season fast approaching and me not being home and not entirely sure if I will be, yet I am convinced I will be.  Maybe I need laid…not kidding…that could be a part  of it as funny as it sounds.  maybe its a combination of a whole bunch of things which is why I am having a hard time managing the situation.

A friend asked me what was wrong today.  My answer was simply “I don’t know.”  We batted things around, and she was a pretty good ear, and she tried to make me giggle…it simply wouldn’t take.  So now I am getting depressed about being depressed…it is a twisted and evil spiral.

So now I am left pondering this….

Is it okay to simply be depressed for a while and maybe be self absorbed an wallow in some self pity?