Life’s Little Musings

Things swing fast at times. It is amazing how your momentum can swing just as fast!

It has been a crazy start to the new year, with things unfolding at rapid pace the past few weeks, and for the most part, that is pretty good for me on a personal level, and really making me think about things.

The single biggest change for me is I am finally able to get back in a pool, and I can feel it recharging my system with vibrant new energy. It is a sensation I have not had in some time, and it is empowering! It started with just building some general balance, then challenging muscles that have basically sat dormant.  That little bit of challenge to them REALLY seems to have them and my entire body responding.  I am able to walk about a little now, though I am using a walker if it is more than across a room, I can land a hop, and I can climb a couple of stairs!  My energy level has also  made things better at home, as I am interested in more than simply laying around.  We have company and go out for dinner, and just have a better quality of life now.  On a relationship level, we had been a little active, but the bedroom activity has definitely picked up, and that is really good.  I am blessed with a pretty patient man.

My talking voice seems to be getting nearer to normal, though I still struggle with singing, and it still kid of does it’s own thing at times, but really, it is a massive improvement and heading in the right direction!!

So as I started to return to some resemblance of my former life, my papa unloaded something on me as well.  He is considering retirement and wants me to start thinking about whether I want to take over the business or if he should start looking at potential successors.  I had kinda stepped away, but have been kept in the loop, and we had discussed the potential of my return in time, but this caught me off-guard.  I mean it is not shocking that he wants to retire at some point, the man has worked his ass off and has more money than he will ever spend in retirement…he deserves it.  I suppose it is more that it is hard to watch a parent, a man I have idolized and followed in his footsteps look at moving into the “golden years.”  It is a lot to process for me just being slapped with the reality that he is getting up there, but also that I love that company and would hate to see it go to someone else.  Here and now I am really torn.  We have started a whole new thing elsewhere with my new family, but I did love that life.  Lots to think about, but he said it was a few years out still, he just wanted the bug in my ear.  I suppose I need to evaluate the next year or so, see how the Meningitis recovery goes, which seems to be going well, then see where I am at with the Leukemia, plus talk with my husband and see where his career opportunities lay.  All so scary and exciting!

I have also been feeling well enough to start doing some visits to the children’s hospital again.  That is a great feeling to get to share some time with them again.  I met a girl the other day, Jamie, who I spent a few hours talking to.  We got along so well and just had a blast talking.  It scared the crap out of me how much she reminded me of myself when I was 12!  Her dad is a music teacher, her mom bailed when she got really sick, she has battle Leukemia and has gained a bunch of weight because of the meds prepping for her HSCT.  It is like I can read her mind!  I know exactly what she is thinking, because I have been there.  I think we may be kindred souls.  She looks at me and has a hard time believing I was in her shoes…I was and I had the same stance…nobody would ever love me, no guy would ever want to date me, I would never look good…SOOOOOO hard when you are that age…you are going through enough changes and developing and trying to cope with all of that, then THIS is thrown into the mix!  You change tenfold more!  So hard.  But I dug up a picture of me when I was her age, and as she said…if it wasn’t for the smile she would never know it was me.  I told her it is not easy, but battling through this will give her character and an appreciation for life that few others truly have.  She will get to where she wants to be, it will just take time and a lot of effort.  Next time I see her I am going to make her a promise…that when she is ready I am going to help get her there…I will be side by side working with her.

My daughter, well, she changes more and more every day.  People keep saying that she is definitely a mini-me.  Not sure if that is good or bad lol.  She does the cutest thing right now.  She is infatuated with reflections, and he own trips her out a little bit.  We have set this big mirror up at ground level and she will stare at it, then suddenly dodge to the side and look back and giggle, then sit there for like 5 minutes and do it again.  She totally looks back to see if the image is still there lol.  I am not entirely sure if she has figured out it is her, I think she knows but doesn’t entirely know how to process that yet.  I will sit there and point at my reflection an then myself, and go “mommy” to both, then do the same to her, and she seems to grasp that…though she gasps with a massive giggling smile, so who knows for sure!  She also likes to get up close to it and lick the reflection…too funny…and if you say “kissy” she will give her reflection a little smooch.

Looking forward to what the rest of the year reveals.

xox, LGOE

Sleep for Never

I don’t sleep well. I sleep in 20 minute spurts several times a day, then crash hard after several days. It has been a steady pattern.

My husband says that I need to get some help for it because it is not healthy, and I know he is right. I won’t take sleeping meds…I just won’t…so that leaves delving into my mind with a therapist. The thing is I already know why this pattern has emerged…

I am fucking terrified to go to sleep!

Ever since I came to from my coma like half a year back, my big sleep, I have been terrified to sleep. They have given me all kinds of therapy, but I don’t think I really realized the issue, or wanted to admit that I did anyways. I can remember a nurse teasing me about giving me sleeping meds if I didn’t sleep one night and I freaked right the fuck out on her. In reflection I think she meant it as some light hearted humor to encourage me to get a good night sleep, but it was way too soon after wakening. Has that stuck with me? I don’t know. Perhaps it is something deeper…pure terror from the experience. However, ever since that incident everyone pretty much backed off and gave me my space on the matter. Probably good in the moment, but not in the long run.

I am terrified to seek help because I really fear they will put me on sleeping pills to get back into a pattern, and the idea of essentially being medicated to sleep brings me to tears. Perhaps we can talk about my feelings and it will help, but I still fear the end result will be medication, so I keep my mouth shut despite my husband’s encouragement.

I guess I have accepted that it is an issue now. I am at least talking about it, and I guess I am just hear writing this to clear my mind on it all a little bit. I’ll give that some time, and see where it leads me anyways. I don’t feel bad or tired or anything, but I know it is not healthy. I don’t know what treatments I will be undertaking and when for the Leukemia, but I know I have to get stuff balanced to prepare for that.

So much to think about. Perhaps steady sleeping will allow me to process it better. I’m just rambling a little now…just venting…trying to process it all to steady my mind into either releasing concerns so I do sleep better, or prepare to seek professional help.

ONE

It is amazing how much time seems to pass in a blink.

The past year has been filled with far too many valleys as opposed to peaks, but yesterday we got to celebrate an amazing blessing in our lives…our daughter’s first birthday!

Everyone knows that it seems time goes faster as your life goes on. I have always accounted that to the fact that when you are young you don’t have responsibilities, there is no intrinsic value to time, and most significantly that there is so much new in your life that time does seem slower.

I suppose that little theory has been fairly muddled for me this past year though. For me I have been slammed with new things non stop…having a baby, transitioning to a new career, moving, Leukemia, a coma (the big sleep), meningitis, and half the year in the hospital. The time in the hospital was painstaking long days, especially when I had to transfer to a hospital away from my family. As long as those days have often been I am still shocked that I still feel like I blinked and they were gone.

Yesterday morning as I talked to friends about our daughter’s birthday I would just start crying at how fast time has gone. Everyone feels the same. I know it only goes faster each year. Maybe it is nerves…maybe everyone gets this emotional about it…I don’t know. I do question if it is surrounded by accepting my mortality. I have kind of accepted that I will unlikely live into my ‘golden year.’ I am going to do everything I can to live a long life, but I have accepted that the trauma my system has been through will take decades off of my life. I guess that is what makes it a little hard on her birthday…looking at her…proud…so happy…so blessed she is here, but terrified of what I might miss and what I might not be there to help her with.

I know, I know…look at things optimistically…don’t get me wrong…I do, but I also have to have the mentality of preparing for the worst while striving for the best.

Every day, I will love her and my husband like nobody ever can or will. Every day I will look at them, and when I pause it will make me smile, because just looking at them reminds me that I am the Luckiest Girl On Earth. Plus, we got her an awesome cake for me to eat 🙂

Dinner Resolution

Well, as a few of us sat around and chatted we came up with a bit of a New Years resolution so to speak. I try to come up with a new one every year, but my catch is to never make it something for myself, rather something that effects others. It is fairly easy to let yourself down by not sticking to it, and basically shrugging it off…it is a little harder when it was meant to help someone else in some fashion. I have traditionally done this by myself, but everyone really liked my train of thought on it all, and brought up pooling our efforts into something. The idea intrigued me a bit, but we all know how most resolutions work out, and this is actually something I have stuck with for a while. None the less, I stayed in the conversation, but insisted I would not commit unless an idea cam up that I was all in on.

Well, eventually an idea came up that perked my interest a little. Someone mentioned the idea of all of us picking some dates at the food bank / soup kitchen and helping out a few times. I must admit that this idea was appealing. A good cause that often needs extra hands, and a group of people such as ourselves could step in on occasion and give some much needed relief to regular volunteers.
This idea, I liked.

There was however a couple that actually did volunteer there fairly frequently, so we wanted to try to do something different. However, something interesting was eventually brought up. It was mentioned that when people, such as myself, are in the hospital that a lot of families miss out on the sit down meals together, especially for events like Christmas and Thanksgiving. Well, it made me think of the kids that I often go visit in children’s wards…I have done this very regularly (averaging at least once a week) for years, and it has always meant a lot to me…doing a lil makeup, playing a game, reading, just being there and talking…there was someone who came to visit when I was a kid sick in the hospital and it meant a lot to me, so has always been dear to my heart to return that. So I put it forward…let’s do New Years Day at the hospital. We can bring meals to people so they can eat with their kids, and the people that are waiting on someone in the CCU…well, we can just offer a smile and a nice meal with a few people.

I was really pumped when people got on board with the idea, because it was too big to do myself. Now, it was fricken cold out (like -30) so a couple people with motor-homes offered them up, and my husband arranged special parking for us. We pealed a pile of spuds, and away we went. Now, we kept it pretty simple…deep-fried turkies, mashed potatoes and gravy, peas, carrots, perogies and buns.

I was so exited

we were all exited

this felt good.

Well, we roamed the hospital New Years Day, and brought people out in batches, and delivered a few meals as well. Lots of parents, grad parents, relatives, even a few doctors and nurses. Each time we set them up with a nice table and served them a good home-cooked meal. Strangers embracing each other around a table, and all of us so very excited and happy that we could bring a good moment in a time of struggle to people. Some people shared stories of having stayed in hotels through the holidays and missing Christmas and everything entirely while they looked over a given loved one…and for me, all I could do was offer them a huge hug and a tear or two, wish them all the best.

We got so many than-yous, and said the same thing to each…No, thank-you for sharing your time with us and the others that have joined in.

Such a wonderful day. It was one of the most fulfilling days of my life. I mean, it was hard to see all of those people in such a rough period, but seeing them smile or get a break from it all or meet new people and relax was really nice. I don’t do charitable work to document it to apply for a job or anything. I don’t do for my self joy either…I do it because it isn’t done enough, and I have been there and know how much it means to the people who receive it. I have always had a hard time sharing that I feel rewarded for doing it. I don’t generally talk about it lot, mainly because of that, and most of my friends don’t learn about it for ages. But people said a few things that stuck with me a bit…there is nothing wrong with it feeling rewarding and fulfilling…what is the point if it feels like a chore every time as it would simply equate to not doing it as often. Another said that perhaps I should share it more often to encourage others, but I don’t like that because I don’t want people thinking I am preaching to them and such…not everyone can afford time, some donate money because they don’t have the time, some don’t have either…nothing wrong with any of those scenarios.

Great way to start 2015!

17 Simple steps to curing a hangover – Advise on the first hangover of the year…erm…Jan 1st…Bad trend?

1 – Wake up.
2 – If you think you can boot, puke hard.
3 – Drink water till you feel weird.
4 – Lay down in bed on your back with hand on forehead.
5 – Wait like 3 minutes, rush to the bathroom and get sick again.
6 – Go back to sleep…for say like three more hours.
7 – Wake up and immediately start bitching to anyone around you. If nobody is around you, resort to social media. Note that if you resort to social media you will have to mock everyone’s posts.
8 – Make brunch plans and then blow them off, texting 5 minutes before you were supposed to show up.
9 – Drink a moderate amount more water.
10 – Complain more until you’re ready to go back to sleep. Remember…nobody has ever felt as bad as you do…they do not understand and don’t let them tell you otherwise!
11 – Sit upright in bed on your laptop and/or tablet and/or mobile around like 4 pm and start making dinner plans.
12 – Keep drinking water until you feel well enough to stand up.
13 – Now you can drink some cranberry juice…YAY. And yer…do go for the sweetened one, as you need sugar. Also, add a pinch of salt, unless you want power aide or such…eww.
14 – Show up late to dinner.
15 – Complain a lot about how much you feel like shit. Remember, nobody has ever felt as bad as you do…they do not understand and again…don’t let them tell you otherwise!
16 – Be a downer and pain in the ass throughout dinner, making everyone listen to your complaints of self-inflicted headache and nausea, until you sense they wish you hadn’t come at all. Then have a drink and mellow out!
17 – Question why you did not just do hair-of-the dog to start with, and enjoy your night out!

Works every time!!!