Sleep for Never

I don’t sleep well. I sleep in 20 minute spurts several times a day, then crash hard after several days. It has been a steady pattern.

My husband says that I need to get some help for it because it is not healthy, and I know he is right. I won’t take sleeping meds…I just won’t…so that leaves delving into my mind with a therapist. The thing is I already know why this pattern has emerged…

I am fucking terrified to go to sleep!

Ever since I came to from my coma like half a year back, my big sleep, I have been terrified to sleep. They have given me all kinds of therapy, but I don’t think I really realized the issue, or wanted to admit that I did anyways. I can remember a nurse teasing me about giving me sleeping meds if I didn’t sleep one night and I freaked right the fuck out on her. In reflection I think she meant it as some light hearted humor to encourage me to get a good night sleep, but it was way too soon after wakening. Has that stuck with me? I don’t know. Perhaps it is something deeper…pure terror from the experience. However, ever since that incident everyone pretty much backed off and gave me my space on the matter. Probably good in the moment, but not in the long run.

I am terrified to seek help because I really fear they will put me on sleeping pills to get back into a pattern, and the idea of essentially being medicated to sleep brings me to tears. Perhaps we can talk about my feelings and it will help, but I still fear the end result will be medication, so I keep my mouth shut despite my husband’s encouragement.

I guess I have accepted that it is an issue now. I am at least talking about it, and I guess I am just hear writing this to clear my mind on it all a little bit. I’ll give that some time, and see where it leads me anyways. I don’t feel bad or tired or anything, but I know it is not healthy. I don’t know what treatments I will be undertaking and when for the Leukemia, but I know I have to get stuff balanced to prepare for that.

So much to think about. Perhaps steady sleeping will allow me to process it better. I’m just rambling a little now…just venting…trying to process it all to steady my mind into either releasing concerns so I do sleep better, or prepare to seek professional help.

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