Dinner Resolution

Well, as a few of us sat around and chatted we came up with a bit of a New Years resolution so to speak. I try to come up with a new one every year, but my catch is to never make it something for myself, rather something that effects others. It is fairly easy to let yourself down by not sticking to it, and basically shrugging it off…it is a little harder when it was meant to help someone else in some fashion. I have traditionally done this by myself, but everyone really liked my train of thought on it all, and brought up pooling our efforts into something. The idea intrigued me a bit, but we all know how most resolutions work out, and this is actually something I have stuck with for a while. None the less, I stayed in the conversation, but insisted I would not commit unless an idea cam up that I was all in on.

Well, eventually an idea came up that perked my interest a little. Someone mentioned the idea of all of us picking some dates at the food bank / soup kitchen and helping out a few times. I must admit that this idea was appealing. A good cause that often needs extra hands, and a group of people such as ourselves could step in on occasion and give some much needed relief to regular volunteers.
This idea, I liked.

There was however a couple that actually did volunteer there fairly frequently, so we wanted to try to do something different. However, something interesting was eventually brought up. It was mentioned that when people, such as myself, are in the hospital that a lot of families miss out on the sit down meals together, especially for events like Christmas and Thanksgiving. Well, it made me think of the kids that I often go visit in children’s wards…I have done this very regularly (averaging at least once a week) for years, and it has always meant a lot to me…doing a lil makeup, playing a game, reading, just being there and talking…there was someone who came to visit when I was a kid sick in the hospital and it meant a lot to me, so has always been dear to my heart to return that. So I put it forward…let’s do New Years Day at the hospital. We can bring meals to people so they can eat with their kids, and the people that are waiting on someone in the CCU…well, we can just offer a smile and a nice meal with a few people.

I was really pumped when people got on board with the idea, because it was too big to do myself. Now, it was fricken cold out (like -30) so a couple people with motor-homes offered them up, and my husband arranged special parking for us. We pealed a pile of spuds, and away we went. Now, we kept it pretty simple…deep-fried turkies, mashed potatoes and gravy, peas, carrots, perogies and buns.

I was so exited

we were all exited

this felt good.

Well, we roamed the hospital New Years Day, and brought people out in batches, and delivered a few meals as well. Lots of parents, grad parents, relatives, even a few doctors and nurses. Each time we set them up with a nice table and served them a good home-cooked meal. Strangers embracing each other around a table, and all of us so very excited and happy that we could bring a good moment in a time of struggle to people. Some people shared stories of having stayed in hotels through the holidays and missing Christmas and everything entirely while they looked over a given loved one…and for me, all I could do was offer them a huge hug and a tear or two, wish them all the best.

We got so many than-yous, and said the same thing to each…No, thank-you for sharing your time with us and the others that have joined in.

Such a wonderful day. It was one of the most fulfilling days of my life. I mean, it was hard to see all of those people in such a rough period, but seeing them smile or get a break from it all or meet new people and relax was really nice. I don’t do charitable work to document it to apply for a job or anything. I don’t do for my self joy either…I do it because it isn’t done enough, and I have been there and know how much it means to the people who receive it. I have always had a hard time sharing that I feel rewarded for doing it. I don’t generally talk about it lot, mainly because of that, and most of my friends don’t learn about it for ages. But people said a few things that stuck with me a bit…there is nothing wrong with it feeling rewarding and fulfilling…what is the point if it feels like a chore every time as it would simply equate to not doing it as often. Another said that perhaps I should share it more often to encourage others, but I don’t like that because I don’t want people thinking I am preaching to them and such…not everyone can afford time, some donate money because they don’t have the time, some don’t have either…nothing wrong with any of those scenarios.

Great way to start 2015!

17 Simple steps to curing a hangover – Advise on the first hangover of the year…erm…Jan 1st…Bad trend?

1 – Wake up.
2 – If you think you can boot, puke hard.
3 – Drink water till you feel weird.
4 – Lay down in bed on your back with hand on forehead.
5 – Wait like 3 minutes, rush to the bathroom and get sick again.
6 – Go back to sleep…for say like three more hours.
7 – Wake up and immediately start bitching to anyone around you. If nobody is around you, resort to social media. Note that if you resort to social media you will have to mock everyone’s posts.
8 – Make brunch plans and then blow them off, texting 5 minutes before you were supposed to show up.
9 – Drink a moderate amount more water.
10 – Complain more until you’re ready to go back to sleep. Remember…nobody has ever felt as bad as you do…they do not understand and don’t let them tell you otherwise!
11 – Sit upright in bed on your laptop and/or tablet and/or mobile around like 4 pm and start making dinner plans.
12 – Keep drinking water until you feel well enough to stand up.
13 – Now you can drink some cranberry juice…YAY. And yer…do go for the sweetened one, as you need sugar. Also, add a pinch of salt, unless you want power aide or such…eww.
14 – Show up late to dinner.
15 – Complain a lot about how much you feel like shit. Remember, nobody has ever felt as bad as you do…they do not understand and again…don’t let them tell you otherwise!
16 – Be a downer and pain in the ass throughout dinner, making everyone listen to your complaints of self-inflicted headache and nausea, until you sense they wish you hadn’t come at all. Then have a drink and mellow out!
17 – Question why you did not just do hair-of-the dog to start with, and enjoy your night out!

Works every time!!!

A Houseful

Well, it was a pretty busy holiday season, as I am sure most people can relate, tis the season and all. Having just gotten out of the hospital and not being sure if I actually would in time for Christmas, we were a little lost as to what to do. Do we stay down in the US and enjoy the warmth and his family? Do we fly to my dad’s? Do we simply go home? After a little pondering we decided that we just wanted to be together…our first Christmas together with just my husband, myself and our almost year old baby.

It is hard to believe she is almost a year old! It has been such a wretchedly chaotic year, and in basically a week she has her first birthday! It just amazes me how you blink your eyes and so much time passes by.

At any rate, we started talking to my dad, and ended up inviting them out. They were hesitant about coming but we poked at them long enough that they came. I was really happy that he agreed…yes…I admit that I am a bit of a daddy’s girl. What can I say, growing up he was my dad, my mom, and when I was sick as a kid he was my best friend for a few years, then we worked together…we are extremely close, and for me, in such a turbulent year having that foundation around at Christmas would just feel good.

Next my best friend, who has helped so damned much the past year I can’t imagine her not being here. Really she should have been the first one invited. And then it was my husband’s parents, and then brothers, and so on and so on. 17 guests lol. My dad and his significant other, my mom and hers, my husband’s parents, his brother and his other half, my best friend and her squeeze, both my brothers and their wives + 3 kids between them.

Wow.

Now one of my conditions was that it is my house, my Christmas, I am the host, though admitted I would need some help…I simply couldn’t be on my feet long enough to do everything…and everyone agreed. So, for the first time in my life I became nervous about prepping a meal. I am sure most have been there, but lets put it this way…I stalked up on burgers just in case. It wasn’t that I seriously felt that I would ruin Christmas dinner, it was more nerves, and I knew I had a couple of pretty great cooks around to provide some guidance. I mean, I wanted to be pretty independent with it all, but I can also count the number of times that I have used an oven on one hand…chicken wings a couple times, fries once…and really I think that is it. A cook I am not.

Well, there were some tensions, too many cooks in the kitchen at times, but I think people knew I couldn’t handle the stress…they could see I was a bit of an emotional bubble about to burst, so people were actually pretty good, and at the end of the day I am pleased to say that things turned out amazing. Couldn’t have really asked for much better…a darned near perfect bird and stuffing, veggies were fresh and crisp, there was good conversation and spirits carried into the wee hours…even if I did have to sneak off and nap a couple of times.

I am pretty damned proud of myself, and extremely grateful for the most amazing friends and family. I can’t believe that everyone just up and dropped their holiday plans and flew in from thousands of miles away at essentially the last minute. While it started to become pretty stressful at times, it turned out amazing. The season is, for me, about friends and family, so while a cozy night with the 3 of us would have been terrific, this was the way it was supposed to be!

Sunshine and lollipops
~T~

F*** Leukemia

Yeah…Fuck it!

Been pondering the ribbon as a tattoo, and have seen some awesome concepts online.

I kinda like this one, though I am not really overly religious so:

I am thinking of maybe a fairly standard Leukemia┬áribbon and than some script with it. ┬áSomething a friend said might be kind of neat is to get the ribbon and have “SURVIVOR” on it on one side, and get it touched up with the same thing on the other side when I beat it again. Beyond that I am thinking of circling it with FAMILY FRIENDS … MY STRENGTH, MY COURAGE

Would really love to hear some ideas from people out there as I am still pondering it all, and not 100% sure it is what I will get.

 

Relearning Life

Being in the hospital for so long and now being home I have realized I have a lot to relearn, and well, a lot to learn. My daughter is coming up on her first birthday, and I was learning maybe as much as her every day when she was born. I have historically never had a pile of exposure to babies. Yeah, I have been around them here and there, but not for extended periods.

Now don’t get me wrong for one second…I am ecstatic to be home and welcome the challenges, but it is hard…the best and most important things generally are. I do have a challenge that I haven’t really talked to anyone about, though I think my husband has figured it out already; that challenge is people that have been around my daughter more than I have. They know subtleties that I don’t and they try telling me about them. Now, I appreciate the help, but don’t receive it well. I think a big part of that is the pain that I don’t know a lot of these things…that a lot of firsts were taken away from me. I am pissed off that people know a lot of things about her that I don’t. I also combine it with the fact that I fear I am learning at a slower pace than before the coma. I have expressed that concern to my husband and he insists that I am fine and that if anything it is lack of mental stimulus for an extended period. Maybe he is right, I don’t know, but I do feel that I take things in a little slower than in the past. I see it in lots of things…from grasping a joke, to understanding something in the news that I would have grasped immediately in the past. It scares me a little…a lot really. I mean I don’t think, or I hope, that I will not decay mentally, but there is obvious fear of what damage my condition truly did to me.

I have found myself trying to pick things up where they were 6 months ago, but the simple fact is my world moved on and progressed without me. I am trying to come to terms with that…to accept that I have missed a lot and that I can not rehash or experience those moments. I know that I have to learn about things that have happened and look forward to those that are yet to come…doing that is harder though.

We climb a lot of hills in life, but I know that my husband will refuse to let me do that alone, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Beautiful Crying

A year ago if you had told me that I would have hushed my husband back to sleep ago because our baby was having a big hissy fit in the middle of the night I probably would have laughed at you. I did, however, just do just that…and damn did it feel good!

After being away from them for a couple of month straight, and really over half of her life, it felt good to tell him to go back to sleep then go pick her up and hold her…just like I know I shouldn’t in that situation. I know that I should let her cry it out, or make some peaceful noises to put her back to sleep, but I didn’t and it felt amazing. I just picked her up and sat there until she fell asleep in my arms as I rocked her. And you know what I did after that? I just sat that and held her more.

Hold the ones you love tightly

It is a challenge to walk all the way to her room (takes me several minutes still…I’m getting better)
It is really hard to pick her up
It is good to me home…words can not describe it.

Recharging Smiles

It is amazing how fast an emotional switch can be flipped isn’t it?

Yesterday I felt empty and at an all time low, and today I feel fricken amazing.

I had been trying to explain how I felt, and trying even harder to figure out why. My husband, the most amazing man on earth and he who make me the Luckiest Girl On Earth, saw it. He knew it. Even though he is thousands of miles away at home while I get this medical care…he fixed it when nobody else could!

But how can one fix something just like that? Well, I guess it is pretty easy when you are him! We were talking about a few things, and he steered the conversation into talking about the house. From seemingly nowhere he says ‘Good news, I found a nice 900 foot slab house and bought it and have accepted an offer on ours, so when you get home you won’t have to worry about a big house and stairs!’ Now ours is a few thousand square feet and on an awesome acreage edging town, so I lose my shit…like I snap…my mind blows. He finally stops me and says ‘You know I didn’t actually do that right, but did that feel good snapping?’ All I could do was pause, say yes, and start balling my eyes out. My emotions just poured out. He amazes me. He knew what I needed and he eagerly took the beating to get there! I just can’t imagine not having him…and he I…he amazes me more every day!!! He has been my rock, my crutch and kept my soul in tact the past year or so. Completing me and forcing me to be the true me at the same time.

And now…well…now I pack. It is time to return home. I was really believing I wouldn’t be home for Christmas, and even if I am not a huge Christmas person, that was still hard to deal with, and I think what was the fine straw that was playing havoc on me. My husband contacted my doctor to see where I was at, and ask if I was ready to come home…something I couldn’t do. I am not sure why I couldn’t ask. I tell myself it was because I didn’t want to push for it and have them send me on my way too soon, but in my heart, now, I know it was more because I couldn’t handle being told I wasn’t ready. That would have crushed me. I am however going home, and that is what matters!