There are things I remember about being in the hospital…some more vividly than others
Waking up to my best friend crying
Holding my daughter for the first time…10 days after waking up
Hurting my friend K, and that pain I caused opening my eyes
Being told my kidney was fucked
Finding out I most likely need bone marrow transplant
Telling my husband I didn’t want to talk to him and kicking him out of my room…and being absolutely crushed about it later, only to have an orderly contact him at home and him call and tell me he loves me.
Getting off of continuous dialysis and out of the CCU
Bartering for junk food with other patients
The first sounds I made…couldn’t have been a better first sound with a better friend….laughing about a story from her beheading flowers…lol…you hd to be there.
Throwing my sippy cup at a nurse
Finally getting a chance to really roam and choosing the children’s ward to spend my time…something I used to do before I got sick once or twice a week
Planning a dinner in the hospi for my husband’s birthday and having him give me the most amazing present possible just in advance…walking into my room and saying let’s go home
There were so many things, but those really stuck out.
It is funny the things that really stick out and you remember.
When my husband came to take me home, I did my best impression of someone who could leap out of bed…really happy he caught me.
But one of the more painful things that really hit me was finding out I likely need a kidney transplant and finding out about the bone marrow. I’ve been there. It is the first time in my life I have given up. I never told my husband…only 1 friend. He found out when the doctor came in to get me on the donor list and I refused to sign. He was furious. I told him it was my choice…not his. I didn’t want to go through it. He was mad because I didn’t tell him. He was crushed that I had given up. But how amazing is my husband? What was his reaction? He went to his friends and colleagues and spent the day gathering information on the advancements of the procedure. He brought that back to me and said read this…don’t make a decision now…let it sink in and process it…but remember, if you don’t go on the list, you have no choice…if you go on it you can say no later. My friend I confided in asked me what I would tell her if the roles were reversed. Two really good approaches. I am not saying I have said yes, I am not saying I have said no, but I sis sign onto the list. I will think about it. I will give it time. Maybe it was just too much for me to process. It brings back memories of a pretty bad time in my life. I was bed ridden…confined to the hospital for months as a child with this…and I remember not carrying…I remember the pain and the tears…I remember my mom leaving. I don’t have happy little memories like I shared above…they were all bad. They were all painful. But hey…now I have my own family…my mom is back in my life, I have an amazing daughter and a great husband…perhaps this will promote my enthusiasm…I haven’t given up hope.
But I did make it home…for a while. We had some fun…I got to be with my family and even made it out socializing a few times! But it became so hard. Shitty circumstances meant I had to go to the hospital every day for physiotherapy. So I was up really early and commuting in to there, and I would get home and was so tired…it wore me out…and then I started getting sick. I would get a cold, get over that then the flu, then another and a cold again…it just didn’t stop! I got so sick I couldn’t to my physio, so I was, after a few weeks, left with no choice..I returned to the hospital…where I remained perpetually sick. Over and over and over…it was just sucking the life out of me! But some home has come…I got admittance to a premier facility in the US…and here I am. I am super lucky to be in a financial situation that affords me this treatment…truly blessed. Things are going really well…so well that hey…I was finally up to coming back here and writing…and that in itself is helping me…my own little self therapy. They have seemingly started to get my immune system going again…a combination of cocktails and then hitting me with little viruses…giving my immune system a head start with the cocktails and then making it work…bringing it to life….and I feel really good.
Remember this…Not everything happens for good reason. Sometimes one needs to let it hurt instead of immediately motivating to change, not because they can’t, but that dealing with the pain is easier than dealing with the problem for a while, knowing facing it here and now will result in a big old “fuck it.” But remember, retreating is not surrendering…there is a difference. In one you have given up entirely to your circumstances, and in the other you are gathering your wit and resources to go to battle on more desirable terms.
I will not quit
I will not stop
I will win in the end
and no matter what you might be going through…you will to!