One Year Later

So thought I would carry on with the last post…

Belize, as I said, was amazing. My husband and I got some much needed ‘us’ time away from everything. I got my sun and he got to release mentally. Belize itself was an amazing experience. We will definitely be back!

After spending a little over 2 weeks there we hopped back to the US to the in-laws. I missed my daughter a lot, but was always at ease because she was in amazing hands, and around people she needs to get to know. Prior to the flight and right up until we walked through the door I had an old fear come back…will she remember me? I know it seems a little silly, but it goes back to something I think I talked about in a post somewhere way back…when I came out of the coma and was finally at a point where I could see my daughter she responded to my best friend…not me. When I got home she responded to my best friend…not me. It crushed me. I could tell my friend was worried about it…but we did talk and I thanked her, to which I think she was fairly surprised at first. I admitted it was hard to see that reaction from my daughter, basically seeing someone else as a mother figure, but that what it told me was that She had truly stepped in…moved a thousand miles and been there for my child…nurtured her as her own…and that is nothing short of an amazing act! None the less, I still have those moments entrained in my mind, and while I am eternally grateful for the people in my life being there in this manner, it still scares me that I have missed so much of her infancy and that fear of her bonding more with another is always present. Part of that is my relationship, or lack there of, with my own mom, and I know it is in my head…I guess it is healthy because it is a reflection of how much I want to be there for her and to be her guidance and go to person.

Anyways, we spent some more time in the southern US…even more time in the sun…YAY. His family is so great to be around. They are all VERY close and have an amazing home, and are just good people all around. I did get to see a scary dynamic though…something I have never witnessed…my husband and his brother…just…just wow! There is always tension there to some degree…I think my husband gets a little frustrated with his brother. The entire family are professionals…except the brother. He is a free spirit. His ambition is finding the next good time…hitting the beach or a party or the next woman in the sack…whatever. Anyways, out of seemingly nowhere they start fighting…and I mean fricken fighting! I have brothers…I have seen fights…but there are 2 guys who are gym nuts and no how to fight. Fists flew…stuff broke…there was blood………………it was just stunning! Still no idea on what actually started it, when I asked they just laughed…2 bloodied men just laughing….looking at each other and saying lets go golf! WOW. I really don’t know what to make of it. In one hand it was funny and kind of awesome that they could shrug it off and then hang out immediately after…on the other hand it scares me on so many levels I don’t even know where to start. Afterwards, when me and their mom were hanging out, she simply said “Yeah, they are like that. They show they care about each other with fists.” Really hard to wrap my head around, because it seems sooooo displaced for this family.

Anyways, since this we have returned home and enjoyed a super early spring. I have been progressing really well and enjoying messing around in the yard and taking kiddo out in the sunshine. Right now everything just seems perfect…tis great. I am probably in the best shape of my life. I have been going mad in the gym and have fricken stunning abs! My blood tests are showing stability for the time being, but I know we are going to have to deal with it all again soon enough. My daughter had a spinal tap (something I simply couldn’t be there for…it was too much for me) and there is nothing over the top. There are some numbers they want to watch and intend to do a couple taps a year. They are saying she is a high risk person for a Leukaemia outbreak, so we are going to monitor it all very close. If something does progress…we want to be all over it. The only thing that has been hampering me of late is that it is coming up on the one year anniversary of my sleep…and that has been causing me to miss out on some sleep…which is probably why I am writing out my thoughts. Basically 2 weeks from now is when it all happened…will be relieving when July long weekend comes and goes!

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Belize

You know, I have not posted anything lately. It has been very hectic, but also a very good few months. Late winter I could see that my husband was burning out. He just amazes me every day! Everything he has been through and staying strong for me and our daughter and rarely showing frustration or fears. I mean, he deals with medical crap all damned day then comes home to it…stunning. By mid February I could tell he was burning out, and I knew I had to do something before spring came. I had went to the doctors to seek advise on travelling, and the strongly advised against it, stating that while I was doing well and my rehabilitation could probably go a little stagnant for a couple weeks that if I left the country I would have no insurance.

My God! Insurance? I had never even considered that! I also thought about it for a while and said…who cares about insurance if my husband has a mental breakdown? I also started thinking how nice a sunny beach retreat from winter would be, even though it had been pretty damned nice here…it was still minus whatever with snow. Then, that got me thinking…holy crap…I have not had a true summer in a couple of years! I was pregnant one summer and in a coma then the aftermath the next! My god…I ALSO NEEDED THIS!

Well, it took some twisting of my husband’s all too often logical and well thought out mind…ying and yang there…but he finally caved and agreed to throw caution to the wind. I booked a trip to Belize and we dropped the Lil one off at his parents place in the US for it. They fricken loved the idea because they are so damned far away that they rarely see her and it literally brought tears to their eyes when we asked! I remember hearing his mom tear up when we asked…which of course made me drip some happy tears as well!

Anyways, we spent a couple days with his family, then hopped on another flight for some alone time in Belize. It was fucking amazing! We only stayed in each hotel a few days at a time and just kinda roamed around a little bit…everywhere we went was just breathtaking! He got to do a bunch of spelunking and diving…I am not there yet, but he loved it. If you have ever pondered going there…highly recommended. It is not a full on tourist trap, or at least yet. It is not filled with gross poverty (so is a little more expensive), and it is not riddled with all-inclusives, so there is a lot more getting out off the resort…to each their own, but I am not a huge fan of those…I am sure at some point when all I want to do is relax in one spot in the sun they will be a lot more appealing. The weather was perfect…mid 30s like clockwork every day, with this odd light mist….awesome.

One moment made me know it was the right call, not that taking a vacation is ever a bad call, and that was within literally minutes of checking in. We had a lil fun and nap then I laid out a nice cigar I had tucked away so he could relax staring out at the ocean while I took a bath. When I came out I saw the cigar unlit in his hand and him sobbing on the deck…he had done it…relaxed instantly and all the emotion was just pouring out uncontrollably…God…I knew he needed a good break. I just went up and held him…squeezed him as tightly as I could and we sat there without a word for a couple hours before talking. I love him more than life itself…luckiest girl on earth, no question.

I will continue this a bit later…just kinda felt like sitting down and writing a little bit…joy and love to all!